Self-Censured
by AutumnSolstice
Summary: Donatello's family attempts to console him regarding his struggles of crippling, self-imposed guilt and doubt. As the inventor and medic, Donatello feels a greater obligation than expected towards his brothers' successes and failures. The others push him to question the justification of these feelings. This being my first story, criticism is not only welcome, but encouraged.
1. Schism

The day was normal until the sun had properly risen. I have always considered schedules rather ephemeral constructs, but still, something felt particularly loose today, even as I stirred from rest, rose quietly, and began brewing my coffee, the same way I had for the past three years. I should have been drowning in familiarity, but instead I felt curiously alone that morning.

I felt altered, as though some visceral glitch had occurred overnight. This hypothesis, subtle but hard to shake, echoed as I made my way to the lab. I sipped my caffeine as I seated myself in front of last night's work, the notes and equations scrawled and difficult to make out. I sighed and closed my eyes to organize my thoughts. I had experienced something interesting at that moment, a sudden and unexplained salvo of stress. Self-created frustration became its own cause of frustration. My thoughts dulled to a subtle, aching rattle.

There was a definite tinkering taking place in my mind, but its presence enabled its ambiguity, masking my attempts of identification. I pounded my desk in resignation, most likely waking my siblings; I always was a sore loser. Now that work had become an impossibility, I moved out of the lab and reclined on the couch, wishing I could untangle my body from my mind.

* * *

I awoke to the sound of fist on a surface; not loud or sudden enough to startle me, but just enough to politely jostle me from slumber. Groaning, I rolled over and was greeted with a digital alarm clock. It was too early for Raph, so that leaves only two possibilities. Grinning slightly, I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and reached for my mask. I finalized the knot and hopped off my bed and out the door. Don's coffee greeted my nose, answering the question of noise. Wasn't the lab supposed to be soundproof or something? As if in confirmation, I heard Leo emerge from his room.

"You're up early," he offered, entering as I stirred some eggs with a fork, panglossian notions of omelets in mind.

"Hey, have you seen Donnie?" I offhandedly asked over my shoulder.

"No I haven't, why?" he responded with subtle concern, pouring cereal into his bowl.

I shrugged and resumed cooking.

"I just heard a noise earlier, like a banging or something. That's all."

This seemed to piqué his interest, and he stopped eating for a moment.

"When was this?"

"Like fifteen minutes ago. It woke me up."

He thought for a moment before returning a shrug.

"I'll check on him later. He's probably still miffed about yesterday."

This triggered the floodgates open, memories resurfacing in scintillating clarity. My epiphany must have been evident on my face, making Leo smirk as he dispensed his empty bowl in the sink and started out, clasping my shoulder as he passed.

"He'll be alright, just give it some time. It usually takes him a while to get over things like this. Man, sometimes I think he takes more responsibility for things than I do."

I flashed a smile at his joke, which he returned before leaving. My grin was then overwritten with a look of concern.

I hope Leo's right.


	2. Recidivism

**(A/N) Major thanks to all who read, reviewed, favorited, followed, etc. Chapter one. Feedback fuels self-improvement, and I am very grateful for it :)**

* * *

The conversation with Mike only revived my anxiety. I tried to take it in stride, even as I passed the living room and spotted Donnie lying uncharacteristically unconscious on the couch. Fighting instinct, I sighed and let the genius be. There was very little help I could offer that at the moment. I approached the dojo and rested my hand on the door.

The lair was awfully quiet, despite three of us being out of bed. The silence should make for deeper meditation. Once inside and cross-legged, I began to slip into a familiar trance. Thoughts faded with each mantra, replaced with raw emotions. As my subconscious exposed more qualia, I felt a nuance.

Curious and concerned, I attempted to align my focus with it, but it was evasive and uncertain. Irritated, it sifted back and passed through the dark barrier beyond my mental range, disappearing. Counting breaths to stabilize myself, I recounted and pondered.

It wasn't until later that I realized how much, as a family, we gravitate towards solving each others' problems.

* * *

The smell of eggs from the kitchen tethered me back to reality. Stretching in my hammock, I released a terrific yawn before I slid out of recline, feet touching stone. I started pulling my gear on, knowing Leo was probably going to call for training soon, although I wasn't sure how up for it everybody would be, considering what went down yesterday. My stomach's complains pushed me out the door and towards the kitchen.

_He better have left some for me._

I located Mikey hunched over the sink, whistling and scrubbing, and cursed inwardly. But still, I'd never pass up the opportunity to take the trickster by surprise, and so I leveled myself with the ground and inched closer.

As he reached for the hand-towel, I snaked my arm around him and casually adjusted the water temperature. He yelped and I sniggered, sliding backwards to dodge his punch. He feigned a look of betrayal, making my eyes roll. Turning towards the cabinet, I located the bread and, removing a few slices, looked back at Mike, who had resumed cleaning.

"Hey, how's Don been holding up?"

"I'm not sure. He was pounding on something earlier, and Leo found him passed out on the couch. He says we should just give him some time, wait for him to come to us."

That's just what I expected from Leo, although it was probably killing him inside. I feel like I understand the genius more than any of my brothers, although I couldn't be certain. After depositing my bread in the toaster, I walked to his lab, passing him on the couch en route.

I flicked a switch to provide some light. His blueprints and plans were covered in desperate scribbles and markings. I sighed and left, taking his cup of now-tepid coffee back to the kitchen with me. I was putting it in the microwave when my toast sprang up.

"Well?" Mike asked.

"Well what?"

"Did you find anything?" he persisted, leaning to one side of me.

"No Mikey. He just… he thinks…"

He waited patiently.

"I don't know, I really don't," I resigned.

Unsatisfied, he returned his pan and plate to the proper cabinets.

"We'll have to see how he is during training," Leo interjected, strolling into the kitchen, giving me a nod of acknowledgment, which I returned.

"You're not…" Mikey started.

"Of course. Last night proved how much we all need to improve. Finish eating and we'll start. Mike, can you go wake Don?"

"No need," came his voice from the entrance of the kitchen.

He offered a transparent smile, but his eyes reflected something else; something darker. It was something I knew all too well.

* * *

"You're not…"

"Of course. Last night proved how much we all need to improve."

The overheard words carried with them an unintentional but searing pain. I stood and ghosted towards their voices. I felt detached, not only from myself but from them.

"Mike, can you go wake Don?"

Exhaling, I stepped forward and pretended to be okay.

"No need," I spoke up nonchalantly, my lips arching upward, tugging back against my real feelings.

All eyes fell on me. I scanned their expressions for feedback. Raph was surprised; they all were, but his face showed something more, some recognition beyond general acknowledgment. I decided to ignore it, they weren't happy with me. How could they be? _I_ wasn't happy with myself. It was like I'd just intruded on something, and they were all unsure of my presence. Whatever.

"Hey, you're up. We were just talking about you," Leo offered warmly, obviously trying to be delicate.

They weren't letting me down hard, although internally, I was screaming for them to get it over with.

"Yeah," I answered passively.

They exchanged glances and we made our way to the dojo. During the process, Raph's arm draped across my shoulders. It felt so false and scripted, but, despite wanting to throw him from me and run ahead, I suppressed my impulses.

I'm not myself lately. I never was.

I think he picked up on something, because he brought it down when we entered the papyrus room.

They'll welcome me back eventually, but it'll all be pointless. It already is.

* * *

Saying that Don was affected by last night would be a major understatement. It was clear in his posture and in the way he spoke that he was devastated. As much as I wanted to say something, to comfort him, Leo's words rang in my head.

_He'll be alright, just give it some time. It usually takes him a while to get over things like this._

Still, I met his blank stare with a worried look and a gently smile before heading to my room to retrieve my gear. I fastened the leather straps and delicately removed my weapons from their place on my wall, giving them a tentative twirl. I smiled. Leo was right, Don would be alright. It would just… take some time.

I began walking back towards the Dojo, a little more spring in my step and spirit in my eyes.

_But that doesn't mean we can't help him out a little._


	3. Animism

**(A/N) Hey guys, thanks again for reviews, etc. This chapters quite a bit longer, and I've been experimenting a little bit, so feedback is appreciated now more than ever. Thanks :)**

* * *

Not a word was said as we filed into our training room. With Master Splinter away, I'd been leading most of our drills. I had something different in mind today though. Against my previous words, I was trying something new to help the situation. I walked a couple of paces in front of the others, turned, and addressed them.

"Alright, let's start by stretching and working through our forms. It doesn't need to be perfect, because I want to spend some extra time sparring today."

After acknowledgment, we bowed in unison and I began leading our movements. The transitions between each stance were fluid, muscles tensing and body stilling only at critical positions. My body swam through the room, blending power and emphasis with speed and subtlety, creating spectrums of motion. My brothers followed in tandem, their gradients comparable to my own, but each with its own subtle differences, a flair reflecting both style and character as they flowed synchronously from one form to the next.

Don stumbled through his routine more than once. Usually, his mind was occupied by an equation, invention, or piece of code, but today was an exception. It appeared as though he wasn't thinking very much at all, but instead just ghosting through his day without stopping to question or process. He wasn't so much distant as he was simply… absent. It was everything my brother hated. I was looking upon the corpses of his curiosity and intuition.

As the exercise came to an end, I faced my family.

"Alright let's start sparring," I instructed.

They grunted and shifted towards their equipment.

"Without weapons."

Raph offered a curious glance, silently questioning my agenda. After hesitation, they replaced their armaments and shuffled back.

"Pairs of two. Raph, you're with me. Mike, you're with Donnie," I schismatized.

Don nodded slowly, eyes pointing through me with quivering fearlessness. He was watching for something.

* * *

I silently thanked Leo for the opportunity. Determined to rescue Don from existential crisis, the medium to do so was much appreciated. I offered my purple-banded brother a tentative smile, which he acknowledged. We made our way to the far end of the room and move into position. I could tell he was pretending; pretending to be focused, pretending to be stable, pretending to be normal. I shifted into position, raising my fists and bending my knees, watching him do the same.

I took the initiative to throw the first punch, a backfist that stopped in his left palm, giving him a window to prepare his retaliation. He responded by rotating his body and delivering a powerful roundhouse. I slid back and blocked it with my arm, returning a crescent kick that ascended his retracting leg and struck his jaw. He moved back and shed a bit of his daze. Don's performance, even without his staff, was suffering. He reengaged, this time with more emotion. His pace quickened, fists blurring slightly. I adjusted to his moves, twisting to offer a swift elbow. A side kick to the plastron greeted my opening. I reeled back a bit. He was anticipating my moves well.

"What's wrong, Don?" I genuinely asked, shifting back into stance.

He pursed his lips but remained silent, waiting for my attack. I threw a hook, colliding with his arm, and followed through with a hard jab to his face, once again trapped in his hand. Struggling, he slowly twisted my hand backwards, refusing to let go. Pain began riding up my arm. I flinched and swept his feet off of the ground with my leg. He released me before hitting the ground.

"Look, I know that last night really affected you, but it's not—"

He cut me off with an angry punch, almost knocking me down. I brushed myself off and turned back to his grimacing, frustrated face. I was becoming angry myself.

"It's not your fault," I finished.

Denial illuminated his eyes and he focused intensely on the fight, purging out his internal noise.

"You know it's not. It's happened to Raph before, and it could have happened to any of us. Just because you happened to—"

"No…" he muttered, eyes at his feet.

He looked up, his eyes meeting mine.

"No. You're wrong," he deadpanned, his resignation confident.

I rotated and went airborne, hitting him with the heel of my foot.

"Why? Why couldn't it have been me, or Leo, or Raph again? Why are you any different?" I challenged with narrowed eyes.

He clenched his teeth and swung at me, following his blocked overhand with a hook kick that shattered my balance, him landing on top of me. His voice darkened to a lower, quieter pitch.

"Because, Mike. Because I'm a doctor. I'm a medic. I'm an engineer. I fix things. I fix people. I forfeited my positions last night, the same time I abandoned my family," he whispered, and I shuddered as he eased up on his knee on my chest.

Slowly, he stood and walked back, turning his head for a second.

"I didn't just let my team down. I didn't just let the city down. I didn't just let that kid or his family down. I disgraced myself and everything I stood for. Allowing myself to continue as though nothing had happened would be a greater crime than the ones I've already committed."

He turned and trudged back through the doors of the Dojo, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I exhaled, at a loss for words. The situation had cleared, leaving me more confused than before.

* * *

I was ready to make the first move when my eyes widened in startling realization. Leo's separation held another agenda beyond hand-to-hand training. Perturbed, I glared at him.

"Usually so brash, Raph. You're being awfully patient," he spoke up.

I took the bait and let loose a butterfly kick, almost clipping his head. Landing, I continued my momentum with a haymaker, and then a cross to his plastron.

"Why'd you pair him with Donnie?" I demanded.

He raised an eye and smirked. I tried to wipe the stupid grin off his face, but he caught my fist in the air and returned an uppercut to my gut. He leapt back as I recoiled.

"If anybody's going to coax Don out of his silence, it's Mike," he replied coolly.

I leapt back at him before he flipped backwards, maintaining distance.

"You don't get to decide what's right for other people, Leo," I spat.

His expression faltered, and he considered my words.

"You'd get angry. You'd exaggerate. You'd just make things worse," he justified.

I snapped. I swung my leg, kicked him across his entitled face, and pushed him off balance. I moved uncomfortably closer to him.

"You listen to me Leo, listen real hard. You don't know Don, you don't know Mike, and you sure as hell don't know me as well as you think you do. This isn't a fight Leo, and you're not a strategist. You can kiss your assumptions goodbye, 'cause they don't do jack-shit for you here."

I stared at him real hard. I could tell he was scared, I really could. I decided to soften up on him a bit.

"Look Leo, you don't know any more about what Donnie's going through or what he needs more than any of us do. Being better at pretending you do doesn't go very far. Take your own advice and let things be."

He stood up, contemplating. He was clearly pissed at me, but he got my message. After a period of silence, he nodded. The non-verbal recognition was enough. I continued ranting.

"You can't coordinate these things. It's like trying to tell trees where to grow, or dogs where to shit. The whole system keeps going, and you just waste your breath. If you take a step back though, you see something bigger, something older."

I paused to think. I didn't exactly know where I was going with this, and it sounded cheesy, but there was something I really needed to say. Leo said nothing but waited patiently.

"I don't know. You start to see cycles. You start to see the reasoning behind things. It's as if nature just works itself out. When you're up real close to the picture, that's when you see problems, and you panic, but when you move back, you see that there were never any real problems. They all get resolved in the end. The real problems happen when you panic and start to fuck with things. That's when the cycle goes out of whack."

That's also when something clicked, something in my own mind; as if saying it made me finally understand. Leo remained silent, but seemed to agree. He smiled, like he had something really funny on his mind.

"What're you laughing at?"

"Nothing really, just… It's more than a little ironic that you're consoling me about quick reactions," he said before looking away.

"But still, your words are true. I don't know what to…" He trailed off.

His eyes connected with mine again.

"Thank you," he decided.

I could tell he meant it.

There was silence, and we looked across the room to see Mike, alone and flabbergasted. Leo started towards the door, but I held him back. He turned, confused, but I gave a reassuring smile.

"I've got this one."

* * *

I'd vented too much, I felt open, exposed. My emotions were pouring out from a gaping wound in my chest, where my heart used to be. Each step I took further from my brothers and closer to the unknown hurt me. Each thought that passed, whether it supported or questioned my actions, hurt me. Each replayed memory from last night seared with a pain stronger than any I'd encountered in battle.

The sounds. Oh God, the sounds. No. They still echoed, a perpetual crescendo of screams. No. I was being driven slowly insane. No. Maybe my brothers were right. No. Maybe I should just get some rest. No. I don't deserve rest. No. No, no, no, no, no, NO! My mental screams joined the existing ones.

I needed to get out, I needed to get far away from something, everything. Now. It was still morning, so the surface wasn't an option. I scampered through the sewers, eventually finding a quiet corner to sort out my thoughts.

I closed my eyes and counted my breaths. One, in, Two, out, Three, in, Four, out. Big breaths, just like that. My mind cleared a little, and I was suddenly able to think again.

He was probably only 16, that kid. I didn't know what he was doing there at two in the morning; it probably wasn't good, but it couldn't have been that bad. It couldn't have possibly justified… No, not yet.

It was a new, but relatively simple plan we carried out last night. There was a large margin for error, but still…

I still didn't know why things turned out the way they had, or where exactly I went wrong. Fuck. I'd look through my schematics for the explosives later, or… Fuck. It was too late.

I was already too far gone.


	4. Gradualism

**(A/N) Hey everybody, sorry for the longer-than-usual delay, but I've been balancing a lot of different things lately. I'd like to thank all of my reviewers, you've been a massive help in me convincing myself to get this done. It's a little bit of a shorter chapter than usual, but I hope nobody minds. :) Enjoy.**

* * *

My padded footsteps softly echoed through the damp, cavernous underground tunnels. As I walked, I traced a finger along their side, feeling the coarse stone grace my skin. Eventually, I arrived at the spot where I figured he would be, and if he had heard me coming, he didn't do very much about it. His still, sullen body propped against the wall brought forth a resonating pang of empathy. My brother, usually the most emotionally stable of us, had clearly and completely fallen to pieces.

I lowered myself next to him and we remained in uncomfortable silence for awhile. I had a pretty good idea of what he was going through, although I couldn't be entirely sure. I tried to think of some way to start the conversation, but I was never very good at this. Usually Don was the one counseling people. There's usually nobody left to doctor the doctors. Despite apprehension, I took a risk and spoke to him.

"You know, it's normal that you feel the way you do," I began.

I wasn't expecting a response and I didn't get one, so I continued.

"Actually, I'd worry if you weren't acting this way. You know, like if you just took it in stride or forgot about it or something. Just the fact that you're so…" I chose my next words carefully.

"…impacted by this shows that you still care. And that's a really important thing."

He nodded after a while. Shifting into a more comfortable position, I went on.

"I don't know. When you stop caring about things, you lose a lot more than you think. You don't feel anything. You start to shut people out. You're just… numb. Numb to everything."

He processed my words before speaking up himself.

"Mike… he thinks that this'll all just pass. As if tomorrow I'll be able to wake up and pretend that this never happened. But I don't think I'll ever forget about it. This isn't something that I can walk away from. No amount of knowledge, or science, or meditation can fix this. It happened and it's my fault."

This caught my attention, and I look concernedly at him.

"But is it, Don?" I pressed.

"Is it your fault? I mean, sure, you set your bombs up, but how were you supposed to know that there'd be someone there?"

He gave no response, and I could tell he had been asking himself the same thing.

"Not to mention, we still don't even know why they went off yet. There was so much to consider that it seems a little rough that you'd pin everything on yourself."

"But who else could be at fault, Raph? When I planted those devices, when I built them, hell, when I put on my mask last night, I accepted a list of responsibilities. And when our plan crashes and burns, you bet I'm held responsible. But do you know what isn't fair? It's not fair that some kid's life was cut short due to a mathematical miscalculation or chemical fuck-up. It's not. And if it isn't my fault than whose is it?"

And I didn't have an answer. Don was close to tears now.

"Shit, Don, you… There was no way you could've known."

He planted his head in his hands and exhaled deeply.

"Look, even if it was entirely your fault, and even if it was because of some math error, it goes to show the importance of what we're dealing with. If you walk away now, you'll be signing the same fate off to the people you disregard. Don, we have an obligation to this city, whether it knows it or not. I wish I could just say 'mistakes happen' and drop it, but we both know that won't work. What I do know, Don, is that we need you. Mike needs you, Leo needs you, and I need you, even if I'm not all that great at showing it."

His face twisted in conflict, wanting to subscribe to my words but instead holding himself back, probably due to some doubt or guilt or something.

"No, I can't let this happen again. I can't just bounce back from this. It'd be selfish and disrespectful to return to the way things were, as if nothing happened. As much as I'd like to, I can't."

"And nobody's expecting you to, Don. Last night was a slap in the face for all of us, but it sure as hell woke us up. If you just give up, you won't only be walking out on us; you'll be abandoning all of the people who rely on us. Shit, Don, you can't let this cripple you."

"A child has died!" he cried.

"Look, I'm not asking you to move on from that, nobody is. I'm just saying that you heal more people than you hurt, and just because somebody got hurt, that doesn't mean you should stop healing. Nobody's angry with you. Not me, Not Leo, not Mike, Splinter won't be, and if that kid knew who you were and what you were doing, I don't think he'd mind too much either."

And then we were quiet for a long while as he seriously considered this. I replayed and reviewed my words in my head, looking for gaps in semantics.

"Alright," he finally said.

And there it was. We sat and watched the sewage run by for just a little longer. And then, for the first time that morning, he made eye contact with me.

"Thanks Raph," he whispered, and I smiled.

I sheepishly looked down.

"Don't mention it."

I then knew positively that my brother would fully recover.

* * *

The clouds in my mind had faded quite a bit, clearing some space for thought. I decided that I was far from fixed, that the situation would be broken forever, but that there was somebody I could turn to when I needed to.

I shifted into a cross-legged position, enjoying the silence and absorbing my surroundings. The water streaming past, however filthy, provided pleasant ambiance for the dim setting. My brother at my side slumped slightly, relaxing noticeably. There was still much to contemplate, but I let myself put thinking aside for now, opting instead to feel for the first time that day.

"Hey, Raph?" I began.

"Yea?"

"Do you want to visit the surface tonight? Not patrolling or anything, but just hanging out on the rooftops?"

He pondered for a moment.

"Sure, Don. I'd like that."

I simpered, looking to a grated entrance of morning sun on the ceiling of the underground. Eventually, he drew my attention by tapping my shoulder and nonverbally suggested that we get started on our way back.

I stood, stretched, and smiled. Raph's strong embrace came as a surprise, but I hugged back.

"Get better, Don," he told me.

It was neither a suggestion nor an order. It was a plea. He looked into my eyes and nodded, stepping forward and assuming the lead in the walk back home.

* * *

I was cooking lunch for us when they came back. I didn't know if Don would be eating with us, so I made four portions just in case. I was busy focusing on not burning the grilled cheese sandwich in my pan, so a quick glance in their direction was all I could manage. What I did see surprised and reassured me. Raph patted Don's shell and waved him off, and in return, Don… smiled. Granted, it wasn't one of my signature toothy grins, but it was a smile nonetheless.

I don't consider Raph the therapeutic type, but whatever he said or did, it had made significant progress. It seemed odd at first, odd that he would be better at it than the rest of us, but the more I pondered, the more sense it made. Raph's always shown the most anger and cynicism, so I guess that makes Don's situation relatable to him. Or it could be because those two are the only ones who've killed before.

I shuddered, still not used to the fact that not one, but two of my brothers had ended life. I don't consider them killers. I never could. It's just… strange. Neither of them meant to, it had just… happened.

Freeing the last sandwich from the pan, I plopped it on top of the existing pile and brought the plate of warm food to the table.

"Hey dudes, lunch is getting cold!" I called out.

"Coming!" replied three different voices.


	5. Eclecticism

**(A/N) Sorry about the super-long break, I just recently got back into writing, and so I returned to this.**

* * *

Although silence pervaded through the majority of our lunch, there was an obviously lighter connotation than there had been in the morning. And although I should have felt better about Raph's newfound initiative, I couldn't help but worry about what transpired between him and Don. And although his anger was directed towards me, I couldn't help but worry that it had somehow influenced our brother. Although I wanted answers, I could do nothing but wait.

Biting again into the toasted sandwich, I snuck a glance towards Mikey, who wore a small smile. It didn't surprise me that he'd picked up on the change in mood as well; he was always more sensitive to emotional differences than the rest of us. In fact, he had probably noticed it before I did.

Mikey always tried his best to stay inside of the loop, but he still drifted towards the outer border of it, gravitating more towards optimism than anxiety. His levity was something I could use more of.

"As always, fantastic grilled cheese, Mike," Raph complemented as he wiped around his mouth and stood with his plate of crumbs in hand.

The chef in question flashed a grin back at him. Raph nodded and migrated to the sink to separate hardened cheese from plate. Don took a bite and I almost missed his subtle smile. I wasn't surprised, but the sight was comforting. It was a sign that, however slowly, things were moving back to the norm.

* * *

Shortly after lunch, I knocked on Leo's door to tell him about my plans for the night.

He opened and motioned for me to come inside. I filled him in, starting with what took place in the sewers.

"Absolutely not," he deadpanned.

I wasn't expecting this level of opposition, even from Leo.

"And why not?" I implored, "We're not patrolling or nothing, just hanging out on the cityscape."

"It's dangerous, and besides, Don's not ready for that yet. It's too risky," he said.

"Leo, you don't know what he's ready for and what he isn't. This isn't like me and Casey going out, this is safer. We're not going to go anywhere in particular or do anything in particular other than sit and talk. We both know he has things he needs to let out. I'm not trying to be his outlet, but if he chooses me, so be it. Don't be jealous or nothing because you're not helping him."

"I'm not jealous," he cut in. "I'm just worried about you two. You're not exactly the most… stable person for him to be around right now. I don't know if this is a good idea. You've been making progress; the worst thing that could happen is to lose all of that tonight. I don't want you to make things worse, Raph."

I sighed.

"I'm not asking you for permission, Leo, I'm just filling you in."

"I don't understand why you can't do something else, something here. Why do you feel the need to go to the surface? We need to lay low for a while anyway."

"Because he needs to get out Leo, he's obviously not comfortable here. Why the hell do you think he ran out earlier? For fresh air? He needs to get away from the familiar scenery."

Leo was about to protest, but his thoughts were interrupted by another knock. We briefly looked at each other, then to the door. He nodded and rose from the bed to answer it. Mike was standing in the doorway, looking uncharacteristically concerned.

"Hey…" Leo started cautiously.

"What's going on in here?" Mike asked, leaning to peek at me sitting on Leo's bed.

Leo stepped in front of him.

"Nothing. We're just talking."

"Sure," Mike said sarcastically. "What are you fighting about?"

Leo sighed and I smiled, knowing exactly where this was going.

"Mikey, everything's fine. We're just debating something, it's no big deal."

He was skeptical. He knew something was up.

"Can I come in?"

"Well I don't know if—"

"Come on in, Mike," I said, patting the bed beside me where Leo had been sitting.

Leo turned and glared at me while Mike smiled and walked in, sitting down next to me.

* * *

Leo closed the door and looked at Raph and me.

"Leo, I don't understand what the problem is either," said Raph.

"Raph, don't start this when Mike's—"

"What, like I don't already know?" I interrupted.

Now it was Leo's turn to be confused.

"I know what's going on Leo," I continued.

"How?" he questioned.

"Don told me."

Leo was silent.

"Let him go with Raph. He needs it. It'll be good for both of them," I put frankly.

"You don't understand, Mikey. Don and Raph—"

"Will be fine," Raph cut in.

Leo looked at me desperately.

"Relax, Leo. Give your brothers some trust. This has been hard for all of us, and keeping the family this tightly together isn't doing any good. Just let them go, I'll still be here to keep you company."

Leo sighed and contemplated.

"Alright," he settled. "You can go tonight."

Raph smiled, stood, and left, mouthing a silent "thank you" to me before disappearing from sight. Leo still looked worried.

"They'll be fine Leo. I promise," I reassured.

"I hope so," he replied unconvincingly.

* * *

I heard them finish talking as Raph emerged from the room, seeing me sitting on the couch. He nodded in acknowledgment.

"What did Leo say?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"We can go. He's not very happy about it though. We'll leave after dinner if that's alright with you."

I nodded and looked away. He sat down next to me.

"How're you feeling?" he asked, shifting his tone to something softer.

I had to think about it. It was a harder question than intended. I gave my best response.

"I don't know. Either everything or nothing, I can't figure which. I guess I just feel… numb. Although I guess I have something to look forward to now."

He digested the words and smiled.

"I'm looking forward to it too, Don," he said, standing.

He then stretched and called out.

"Hey Mike!"

The turtle in question appeared from the hallway.

"What's up?"

"You want help cooking tonight?"

Mike grinned, becoming excited.

"Yeah dude! Sweet! Um… we'll start at seven."

I smiled at my brother's optimism. It was a selfless, admirable thing. I then realized that was feeling quite a bit better now. Well would you look at that.


End file.
